Positive or Negative? Where are you?

I read some other t1d blogs today, and at least one of them (@the.insulin.type) mentioned they wanted to challenge diabetics to do a 100 day challenge of positive posts about diabetes. I appreciate this idea, and I love being positive, I love being hopeful. BUT, and here’s where that is difficult for me, t1d is not simply changing my mind from negative to positive. It is more than that, it is unraveling the shame wrapped up with diabetes, along with other chronic illnesses. I am not here to complain, I admit freely, I have a great life, I have great family, great friends, so what is it that’s keeping me from realizing my potential with diabetes? Honestly, it’s me. I get that.

This blogger (@the.insulin.type), who I am amazed at by the way, also wondered why we aren’t happy when other diabetics are able to control their numbers, which I want to be. I applaud her and her efforts (because as she said, I KNOW how hard that can be). I think it is possible that diabetics need to know they aren’t the only ones going through some of the highs and lows of diabetes. And it is easier to relate to failure than applaud someone else while we ourselves are floundering in the ocean of diabetic failures-terrible sugars, not being able to stop eating during a low, not remembering to give insulin for meals, running out of supplies, etc.  We cannot be perfect, well, I can’t anyway. I can only guess you are human too as you read this. For me, I first need to know what I am looking at with diabetes, rather than pushing it aside for a positive thought. I don’t necessarily like delving down deep into that pit because it’s scary and it’s admitting that maybe, just maybe, I truly am the reason for not having control over myself, which also means I don’t have control over my diabetes. This comes out during doctor visits where doctors tell us, “just do this and you’d be fine”—what a way to get my resistance up, the opposite effect of what they want for me.

I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with positive thinking-you do reap what you sow. You know what, I want to accept this challenge, even though for @the.insulin.type, it is over, and I want to put my results here, and I hope I am wrong. I just want to also delve down that rabbit hole to see how to heal that little girl that sat holding her pillowcase of Halloween candy as she listened to her mom talk to the doctor on the phone, all the while already knowing the answer, “you have type 1 diabetes-” I can practically hear the doctor’s voice. Sad, depressed, tired, unsure how to deliver the news to a scared parent. The little girl sits there in anticipation of the news being spoken out loud. If it isn’t spoken, then it doesn’t have to be true, it doesn’t have to be real. She is inside me sobbing, she can’t stop, she just wants to be normal again-she just wants to feel well again. I didn’t even know that was in me in that way. This is the healing I want. Truth, even if it isn’t always positive.

It is almost as though I have stopped emotionally growing in regards to my diabetes, I am stuck in that 12 year old mindset, even though I am an adult now. There is so much I wish I could tell her, and I think I might. It’s gonna be hard little girl, it’s gonna suck, it’s not ever going to end, but I’m here for you now, and we can do this, and you know, it won’t suck every day, some days will be pretty fantastic. I think not being positive right now, is being real for me, and this is not for everyone. For me, it’s admitting that there are going to be hard times, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the good times. This is my journey to acceptance, it doesn’t have to be yours. How do you view your diabetes right now in this moment? In this month? This year? Let me know in the comments. And a BIG thank you to @the.insulin.type for putting out the positive vibes for me. Peace, love, and acceptance (no matter where you are in your journey), t1dkz.

Here are the links to the original articles I referenced above:

https://theinsulintype.com/2018/01/14/why-is-success-not-celebrated/

https://theinsulintype.com/happy-diabetic-challenge/

 

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